Aliens off the starboard bow – A Battleship Review

A friend and I were pretty bored this weekend, so we decided to go watch Battleship. (Yes, we were that bored).

The story is about an intelligent and gifted (apparently, since everything he does at the beginning of the movie seems to indicate otherwise) Alex Hopper, who keeps on getting into trouble. After he screws up one too many times, his brother forces him to sign up and join him in the Navy. Apparently standards for the Navy are dropping, since despite being an idiotic trouble maker, Alex manages to make the rank of Lieutenant. After everyone who is a higher rank than him is killed off in the initial alien attack, the (apparently) intelligent and gifted Alex Hopper takes command of the last American battleship that finds itself trapped inside an alien force field.

I didn’t have very high expectations, but really there is only one way to describe this movie, and that’s dumb. Very dumb. Out of all the movies I’ve gone blindly into this year, Battleship without a doubt takes the cake for stupidity. Apart from some cool effects, everything about Battleship is pretty damn terrible.

Which makes me wonder, why the hell didn’t I have a bad time watching it?

I could pick Battleship apart, like how it’s an obvious vehicle for Hasbro to sell more toys, how the script could literally have been written by a six year old, and how the sound design is made using the scraps from the Transformer movies. But despite this, I never felt compelled to walk out. There’s plenty of times I sat there thinking to myself “God this movie is so dumb”, but I still sat there and watched it until the credits started rolling.

Would I recommend anyone go watch it? No. Unless you’re really bored and have absolutely nothing better to do, in which case you can go see what a six year old script writer and millions of dollars of special effects budget can do.

Movie rating: I should have walked out, but I sat till the end and don’t feel like my money or time was wasted. Perhaps I’m going through some kind of denial?


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