I know I said I wouldn’t be watching this movie, but I ended up going to see it with a date since she wanted to watch it (curse you penis, curse you). To prepare myself mentally for this film I buried my expectations so deep in the ground that I couldn’t possibly be disappointed when I watched this film.
Yup, you guessed it. This movie still let me down.
So Transformers 4 picks up 5 years after Transformers 3. For a reason unknown to us, a black ops unit has begun hunting Autobots and Decepticons alike, and the Autobots have gone into hiding. Cage (Mark Wahlberg) is an inventor who makes a meagre living repairing broken machines while also trying to develop his own robots. His life is turned upside down when one day he discovers a busted up truck that he bought is actually Transformer. And on top of that, it’s not just any Transformer, it’s the leader of the Autobots, Optimus Prime.
- When the visual effects are done well, they’re freaking amazing
- More explosions!
- Did I mention explosions?
- Each of the new Autobots is more clearly recognisable thanks to their new humanoid designs
- Mark Wahlberg is a HUGE step up from Shia LaBeouf
- Kelsey Grammar and Stanley Tucci also deliver surprisingly good performances (especially considering the material they had to work with)
- The Dinobots are basically an excuse to have Dinosaurs in the movie… but at least they look cool
- First act of this movie is actually decent
- The human characters feel slightly more necessary than in the other films (but only just)
- Piss poor editing (there are shots that just cut away from a Transformer just so you don’t have to show it transforming on screen, and sometimes throws you so much you’re left wondering if you’re looking at a Transformer or a car, not to mention the strange leaps in time)
- Nicola Peltz is very cute, but they try to make this huge thing about the fact that her character is 17 in the movie, and then proceed to have her wondering around in shorts so short you can see the pockets hanging out, so I’m not sure what point Bay is trying to make here
- Obvious product placement is obvious
- Some really poor visual effects (especially with some of the later Transformers that appear)
- Missed opportunities abound (for example, there is huge comic potential in the fact that Mark Wahlberg looks nothing like an inventor, even with glasses on, and yet they fail to turn this into something genuinely funny)
- Wow, they shit on the character of Optimus Prime in this movie, which could have worked if it wasn’t all just explained through exposition
- The dialogue is so, so, so bad (“My face is my warrant” is a serious line from this movie), and at times is actually completely unnecessary
- The running time is complete overkill
- The boyfriend character could have been written out of this story completely
- The humour doesn’t hit home for the most part
- Incredible inconsistencies in regards to the abilities of the Transformers and story
- As has been pointed out by many others, this movie is not only made for teenage boys, it feels in many ways like it’s made BY teenage boys
- The plot is at times completely non-sensical
- The Autobots are almost completely portrayed as angry, violent, stupid teenagers, who can barely stand together without their great leader Optimus Prime,
- The new Autobots are racial stereotypes
- Some of the alien robot designs are really retarded
- I lay most of the blame for this film at the feet of Ehren Kruger, who has penned all the Transformers films since the 2nd one (seriously, how the fuck does this guy get paid shit tons of cash to churn out this trash? I could write a better script for way less, and probably much faster than he does)
I’m just going to keep this short and sweet. Transformers 4 is basically background noise and yet another movie that demonstrates that Ehren Kruger is incapable of writing a worthwhile script. If Bay had a decent team of writers (like he did for the first Transformers), this franchise might actually turn out to be worthwhile. That being said, if you really want to watch this film, wait until it hits rental and then watch it. At least then you can focus on other things and just watch the cool bits when they happen. Sitting for close on three hours in the cinema for this film is a completely unnecessary waste of time.